So into You

By: Widiani Larasati

    

            I remember my head felt so heavy that day, that it was hard to get it up. I kept walking while staring at holes and pebbles on the street no matter what. Only me who knew how much I wished I would not find him at where I was going to go. I wished he canceled coming, that he suddenly got stomachache or diarrhea, or his dog was suddenly… Whom was I fooling? Of course, Pieter had been there since a few minutes ago, leaning on the side of the bridge as usual. He always came early. His mind was certainly wandering to the things I didn’t want to imagine at all.

            He had been honest with me once about his fantasy at the bridge, the things that made me feel more uncomfortable than if there were two lovers making love with unstoppable lust in front of my eyes. Yes, I admitted that I ever wanted to be involved in the realization of his fantasy, but at that time, I could barely think anything but turning back. He had been waiting for a meet and chat, and thought it could proceed with hanging out like we had done for one or two times before, but all I was going to do was telling him what others wanted me to tell him? Oh, I thought I would not be able to face any of his reactions. I even wanted the ground to swallow me, right when he noticed me coming even when the distance between us was still far. Pieter hastily changed his position. He stood up. Not as usual, his warm smile got me suffered at that time.

            "Good afternoon Suhartini," he greeted as usual. At another time, my heart would get flowered when I heard him saying it. My name would sound different in my ears, it would be much more meaningful when it slid from his thin lips. My world, which was all about boring life.. My seasons, which were only dry and rainy, changed instantly. Good afternoon from him could make the afternoon brighter and feel more cheerful as if I spent a lovely afternoon in the spring when the flowers were blooming and the butterflies were happily flying around them. But that day, it was like all the beautiful flowers had been struck by cruel lightning, and heavy rain flushed the remnants. The good afternoon turned out to be a disaster.

However, I replied his greeting with a tasteless one. As usual, Pieter tried to get me to talk about my family, school, about myself.. Most of my answers were just yes and no, but he didn’t seem to care and went on talking, made me barely able to be there any longer. My heart screamed at the top of its lung (if only it had lung) to tell him that something had happened and he should not have acted that casual. His attitude just made it more difficult to me to imagine how to tell him everything. However, it could not go on that way.

            “And you know, sometimes I wonder how –”

            “Pieter!”

           Pieter seemed a little surprised. I understood, that was the first time I voiced his name so firmly. I didn’t even remember when I ever mentioned his name. He was the one who always called me and tried to find me wherever I was.

            Pieter invited me to express what I meant to say first. Where did I begin? I didn’t know. I felt like to back off, to escape and return to home.

            "What's wrong with you, Suhartini?"

            But the shadows of people in the house began to haunt me. Eang¹ who was angry, shouted from his rocking chair cursing the Dutch people and their descendants; Bapak² and Ibu³ who smoothly forced me to deny the rumors from some neighbors about the forbidden relationship between me and a (half) Dutch guy by receiving Bagus’s propose, just like it was the only way; My sister, who advised me to take a safe course by following my parents’ advice; Pon, my best friend, who sadly told me I should subordinate my heart..

I took a deep breathe.

            "I want to get married," said me quickly.

            "What?"

            From what I saw, he was all about shocked, happy, and confused at the same time.

            "We're still too young, Suhartini."

            "Too young?” I wondered. “I’m 16."

            "Yes, 16 years old is too young,"

            "No, if you were a pribumi⁴."

            Pieter looked a little bit hurt. I know it was a bit outrageous and offensive, but I had no other choice. I was too weak to take any other choice than to make him angry with the ancient issues. However, he didn’t move. He felt no need to discuss it at all. I could not give up..

            "My grandmother was married at the age of 13; my mother was 15 at her time. Either do other women,"

            "But you are different than the others, Tin. You are a smart girl, you are so young and beautiful. You can be anything you want, besides just dandle and cooking in the kitchen.."

             "You–"

            "Don't misunderstand me, Tin. It’s not that I disrespect the women around you. You must know that my mother is skinned the same as yours. It’s not that I don't want to marry you. Trust me, it becomes my goal.. It’s just, we’re still so young.. There are still many things we can accomplish in the future. We also have much things to prepare for the marriage. I mean, about your family, my family, and– "

            "Pieter! I'm going to get married, with another guy.."

            His expression was indescribable. I regretted that I didn’t close my eyes at the time. He was frozen for a second and seemed like about to say something, but he undid it. I could never imagine before, a cheerful and witty Pieter who always had a thousand reasons to meet and talk to me being silent like that. However, the fact was clear in front of me and it made me even sadder and felt so guilty. I wish I had another choice, besides having to confirm that he was not allowed to get close to me anymore.

            "Next month." I said, referred to the wedding, "He is a grandson of Eang’s friend. His name is Bagus. We have met and agreed on some things."

            "Do you love him, Tin?" Pieter looked straight into my eyes. I was so much confused. It was so sudden, had never existed in any scenarios in my head.

            "I…”

            "You don’t love him," said him quickly.

            I almost gave up, but I have had not lost any sense.

            "Bagus is a good guy," I began, "he’s polite, educated, came from a good family,"

            "I'm not asking that–“

            "A pribumi and we have the same faith." I affirmed the last word.

            His face was flushed, was obviously so offended. Then, as being sarcastic, he wondered aloud why all of the reasons were important to ME. For him, love is above everything. He said, marriage without love was a ridiculous choice that ever existed in this world. I was not able to argue with him properly, because my heart nodded (if only it had head) for every single thing he said. But I had to do something.

            "You know nothing about my heart, Pieter." I said.

            "I know, Suhartini. I know you feel what I feel."

            "You're too confident!"

            Pieter smiled. "Then you know my feeling, right?"

            I was silent.

            "Like I said," said me, "Bagus and I have met. I admire him, he's so–"

            Pieter smirked, but I couldn't hate his face as much as I hated myself.

            "I know you love me, too."

            "No!"

            I turned my face. What did I fight? It my own heart was.

            "So, why did you tell me about this?"

           "It’s because I want you to come on my wedding as other school friends of ours, who also I'll invite." I replied flatly.

            Pieter smirked again. "Are you sure you will be able to see me there?"

            I looked at him angrily. Pieter just ignored it and kept talking.

            "What do you think I am supposed to do there? Pretending to be happy seeing the girl I love marrying a guy she doesn’t even know? And congratulate you, then?”

            "Pieter.."

          "Then what does this all mean? You are not the type of – I’m sorry – a bitch who is willing to go with any guy for having fun, even when you don’t have such a feeling about that guy, are you?"

            I slapped him on the left cheek. Pieter was not ready for it, but he seemed to think he should have known that it was going to happen. He knew that he had stepped over the boundary that I would not be able to help myself. I thought hence why he could still manage to be patient.

            Without thinking, I turned around and walked quickly. I told myself to stem my tears at least until I got home. Pieter tried to call me, which I ignored. He had been out of control at that moment. As sadness over the fact that love could be so bitter was not enough, I must feel so humiliated by the guy whose heart was where I put my heart into. However, I could hardly get mad of him after all he said. Because he was right. I love him, too. Of course I did.

            I didn’t notice when he began to overtake me, but he suddenly walked beside me while begging me to stop, which I ignored.

            "Suhartini, I'm sorry! Please accept my apologies.."

            "I’ve said that you understand nothing!" I kept walking.

            "Which point that I don't understand, Tin?"

            "About us, Pieter.” I said while stopping my step. “You and me. Can’t you just see that we are too different?!"

            "Believe me, I much more than understand, Suhartini."

            "So, why do you keep trying to get close to me?"

           "Because how to stop loving you is the thing I never understand. And how to stop being optimist that you are the only girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, is the thing I don't know.. I have no power to get rid of this feeling, Suhartini."

            Immediately, I was stunned. He was so serious. I didn’t know that his feeling was that deep, that his dream was that far. All I knew was that I could not avoid his gaze. I always admired the eyes that got me stupefied one day, beautiful light brown eyes, deep and broad as keeping such a mystery. His eyes were like a gateway to another world I eagerly wanted to explore without a second thought.

            I threw my face back before I could not help myself entering it.

            Pieter sighed. "I bet maybe if you love me, too.."

            "We would somehow get through this.."

            "Yes.."

           I burst into tears. Finally, I was giving up by realizing how naïve he was. We both were. I felt cheated by my own feeling, which dispelled any bad possibilities I would have to face in my head, making me letting myself sink deeper in love that was all about hurt and pain.

          Pieter was about to wipe my tears, but he hesitated and undid it. I remembered the only moment he touched me was when we were all at the class photo session a year ago. Out of nowhere, he suddenly appeared and took a place next to me. I noticed a half-Dutch young guy who was 1 of my classmates were there and just normally ignored it. Until when the photographer gave a cue to all of us to smile, I was surprised to feel someone holding my hand and instinctively I turned to him and stared at him intently. He looked at me back and smiled slyly and that was the time the photographer took our picture.

            I got mad of him for a few days for each of our classmates having that picture as if he and I were staring at each other. I was too shy to place it in a photo frame and putting it on a table in the living room or my bed room (there was where I slept with my sister), so I had been keeping the picture in a secret box of mine instead. Until my Ibu found it out in her way to investigate anything related to us. An unnecessary activity, which was pushed by some people around who started to consider Pieter and I more than just classmates. An accidentally taken picture turned out to be an evident and that was all where everything began.

            "Please stop blaming me, Suhartini." he begged softly.

          "I had known that your parents would disagree with this, that people around would desperately oppose our relationship. But I believed that everything does take time.. I thought when they saw us happy, everyone would be able to accept our relationship. Really, I didn't expect they would get you betrothed this soon.. "

            There was only the sound of my cry for a few seconds afterwards.

            "You can still cancel it, Tin."

           "No, Pieter. I can’t.." I said weakly. It was something that was really far, even from my wildest dreams. I was more upset because of the despair.

            Pieter repeated his words, at this time as half-pleading. I really didn’t expect this. I thought everything would go smoothly. It was, uneasy thing for me to set out to meet him that day and expressed the reality, but I thought I was going to be able to hold my emotions, as I thought he would not argue with me so much that I gave up on my own heart. I thought I could immediately leave him and forget him, as I didn’t plan on seeing him again after that. But I was wrong, totally wrong.. 

            I had to end that anyway..

            "You will find the right one someday, Pieter. A woman who is much prettier than me. The one whose religion and skin are the same as yours, and is in the same class as you.."

            "Tin," said him.

            "Sooner or later," I said, wiping my tears, "you must forget about me."

            I was about to walk away but he reached my hand quickly. “I will never forget you! I can’t ever do that, and I don’t want to."

            I was too weak to do anything but letting him did it. I just looked at his arm.

            "Why, Pieter..” I asked. “Why do you insist?"

           "Because I love you, I DO love you. And I’m sure that my love is reciprocated.. Isn’t it?” he stared straight into my eyes.

I could barely breathe. “I..”

"I will do anything for you, Tin. Anything.." 
I was amazed of what he stated. However, it made me realized something. He was willing to do anything for me, which might include letting go off me.

            "In that case–"

            "Anything, but leaving you."

***

¹          : A Javanese term of Grandfather

²          : Father

³          : Mother

⁴          : A Native Indonesian